Mommy Issues

So, I've never heard of "mommy issues" before but I imagine it's the same thing as people having "daddy issues." Well, to be honest, I really don't know what either of them technically mean but I will explain to you my meaning of "mommy issues." Today, I realized that I have some mommy issues. I don't mean with myself becoming a mom, but with my mother. Well, maybe I've always somewhat felt hurt/sad but today, unlike ever before, it really actually affected me. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I soon will be a mother myself or what, but like I said, for the first time, it actually made me sad. Growing up, I never had a solid role model for a mom or even a steady mother figure in my life (other than my Grandmother, but she was Grandma, not Mom.) My mom was an alcoholic and after awhile completely forgot how to be a mother to me and my brother. Well, she completely forgot how to do anything besides drink. I can only remember a handful of special times with my Mom and I never realized how tightly I hold on to those few memories because of how much they mean to me until today. I can think of them in such detail that it's like I'm a little girl reliving it all over again. I don't ever want to forget those times. I miss that Mom and it hurts so bad that I only had her in my life for such a short amount of time. I loved that Mom so much. She was such a good Mom. So beautiful and talented and full of life. Then come the bad memories filled with abuse and neglect and horrible things that a child should never see or feel and it makes me so mad that alcohol turned her into that person. It makes me realize all of the important things that she missed out on and all of the things I had to learn or do on my own because she wasn't there. I remember growing up and seeing my friends with their Moms and I never felt jealous or sad or hurt or any of that. But now I am sad and I am hurt. I want a Mom. I wish the little girl Ann had a Mom to braid her hair and a teenaged Ann to have a Mom to cry to when her boyfriend broke her heart and a soon to be mom herself Ann to have a Mom to plan things with. I want someone that I can call and talk to or go shopping with and not feel sad anymore. I know that she never stopped loving me or my brother. I know that no matter what, through everything in her life, we were still her pride and joy. We were everything to her but she made us feel like nothing. Now here we are, almost 20 years later and she is sober but she isn't the same person. She will never be the same person as she was those few good times I remember. I know it's not right but there is still resentment in my heart. Not because I don't love her or I'm mad at her because I do love her and I do forgive her. But because her actions made both of us miss out on so much of each others lives and I think that will always hurt me, even when I'm 80 years old. She doesn't know why I am the woman that I am today because she wasn't there. She doesn't know the things I like or the things I don't like because she was never there to learn. She doesn't know any of my secrets because I could never trust her enough to share them with her. And I never got to experience or learn any of that about my Mom either. I couldn't even tell you if she likes mayonnaise or not and it may seem silly to you, but I want to know if she likes mayonnaise because I hate it. I just want to know everything because I should know everything.

Some people ask me if I'm afraid of becoming a Mom because I don't even know what it was like growing up with a Mom of my own. Absolutely not. Because I know what is important. I know all of the things I wish my Mom could have been there for or been a part of. I know all of the things I missed out on because she was never there. All of the things that I never had are things I'm excited to do for my own children. I want to be the Mom that I never had, and I will be. And thankfully, I have an amazing Dad who worked so hard to give me and my brother everything we could have ever wanted or needed. I had a Dad who loved me and took care or me and provided for me. So even though I missed out on having a Mom around and it makes me sad now, growing up, I never felt different or "short-handed" because of it because my Dad was Everything I could have needed growing up. If I can be half the parent that my Dad was to us, my children will still be very lucky.