Mommy Issues

So, I've never heard of "mommy issues" before but I imagine it's the same thing as people having "daddy issues." Well, to be honest, I really don't know what either of them technically mean but I will explain to you my meaning of "mommy issues." Today, I realized that I have some mommy issues. I don't mean with myself becoming a mom, but with my mother. Well, maybe I've always somewhat felt hurt/sad but today, unlike ever before, it really actually affected me. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I soon will be a mother myself or what, but like I said, for the first time, it actually made me sad. Growing up, I never had a solid role model for a mom or even a steady mother figure in my life (other than my Grandmother, but she was Grandma, not Mom.) My mom was an alcoholic and after awhile completely forgot how to be a mother to me and my brother. Well, she completely forgot how to do anything besides drink. I can only remember a handful of special times with my Mom and I never realized how tightly I hold on to those few memories because of how much they mean to me until today. I can think of them in such detail that it's like I'm a little girl reliving it all over again. I don't ever want to forget those times. I miss that Mom and it hurts so bad that I only had her in my life for such a short amount of time. I loved that Mom so much. She was such a good Mom. So beautiful and talented and full of life. Then come the bad memories filled with abuse and neglect and horrible things that a child should never see or feel and it makes me so mad that alcohol turned her into that person. It makes me realize all of the important things that she missed out on and all of the things I had to learn or do on my own because she wasn't there. I remember growing up and seeing my friends with their Moms and I never felt jealous or sad or hurt or any of that. But now I am sad and I am hurt. I want a Mom. I wish the little girl Ann had a Mom to braid her hair and a teenaged Ann to have a Mom to cry to when her boyfriend broke her heart and a soon to be mom herself Ann to have a Mom to plan things with. I want someone that I can call and talk to or go shopping with and not feel sad anymore. I know that she never stopped loving me or my brother. I know that no matter what, through everything in her life, we were still her pride and joy. We were everything to her but she made us feel like nothing. Now here we are, almost 20 years later and she is sober but she isn't the same person. She will never be the same person as she was those few good times I remember. I know it's not right but there is still resentment in my heart. Not because I don't love her or I'm mad at her because I do love her and I do forgive her. But because her actions made both of us miss out on so much of each others lives and I think that will always hurt me, even when I'm 80 years old. She doesn't know why I am the woman that I am today because she wasn't there. She doesn't know the things I like or the things I don't like because she was never there to learn. She doesn't know any of my secrets because I could never trust her enough to share them with her. And I never got to experience or learn any of that about my Mom either. I couldn't even tell you if she likes mayonnaise or not and it may seem silly to you, but I want to know if she likes mayonnaise because I hate it. I just want to know everything because I should know everything.

Some people ask me if I'm afraid of becoming a Mom because I don't even know what it was like growing up with a Mom of my own. Absolutely not. Because I know what is important. I know all of the things I wish my Mom could have been there for or been a part of. I know all of the things I missed out on because she was never there. All of the things that I never had are things I'm excited to do for my own children. I want to be the Mom that I never had, and I will be. And thankfully, I have an amazing Dad who worked so hard to give me and my brother everything we could have ever wanted or needed. I had a Dad who loved me and took care or me and provided for me. So even though I missed out on having a Mom around and it makes me sad now, growing up, I never felt different or "short-handed" because of it because my Dad was Everything I could have needed growing up. If I can be half the parent that my Dad was to us, my children will still be very lucky.

One Year!

So, tomorrow is the day! I can't believe it's been a year already since Ryan and I said "I Do." Well, in some ways I can because our life has changed so much in so many different ways. Looking back over it all, I can honestly say this has been the best, no... the most amazing year of my life. I think about the times we've shared, the memories we've made and I am so unbelievably thankful for the life and the husband I have been blessed with. Sometimes I really am shocked at how lucky I got. Ryan is everything I could have ever hoped or dreamed for in a husband and best friend. He is my absolute life. It's stunning that I can't come up with the words to describe just how much I love him. Just thinking of the day we shared our vows and promised to love each other forever brings tears to my eyes, comfort to my heart, and happiness to my soul. To this day, it has been the happiest, most meaningful day of my life and knowing that tomorrow completes our first year and is the start to many more years to come is just amazing. 


Of course, Ryan being the thoughtful man that he is, planned a big surprise anniversary trip for the two of us but accidentally spilled the beans one day while on the phone with a friend. "Ya, my wife and I are going to Vegas in two weeks...Oh shit, she's standing right here..." I looked over with a huge smile and he said "Well, surprise babe! We're going to Las Vegas for 5 days!" We couldn't help but laugh about it. He had booked the flights, the resort, and 3 events all without me finding out or having a single clue what he was up to. We will be going to Cirque du Soleil which I have wanted to see for at least 10 years, Phantom of the Opera which I am so excited about not only for the show but also to see the magnificent theater it's performed in, and also visiting the Bodies Exhibit which is going to be so neat! We're even staying in a resort that I have wanted to stay in forreeevvvvver! And as exciting as this trip is going to be, the most amazing part is that I have someone who loves and cares about me and our marriage enough to plan such a special trip for the two of us. It will be such a nice time. And a super added bonus is that we don't have to drive! So, next Friday we will be departing the ole' hot desert of Arizona and entering into the exciting, even hotter desert of Las Vegas, Nevada! Yippie! 


So, here is to us, Ryan and Ann! Here is to love! Here is to a life filled with all the love and happiness a couple could hope for! Here is to the memories we've made and the journey that lies ahead! Sharing my life with you makes me the happiest woman in the world. Together, we truly have it all! I love you Ryan, more than all the stars in the sky, forever and ever, for the rest of my life. 


Now, a little flash back to The Day We Promised Forever.

And another misc. video to enjoy :

Major Vent Sesh

WARNING: Complaining follows.

Okay, so I absolutely can not stand selfish people and it's recently become more noticeable that my life is filled with quite a few. Well, I wouldn't say quite a few. Lets say a handful. For the longest time I thought "Eh, who cares." and most days, that really is how I feel. Why let people who care more about themselves affect the way I feel? Well, today is not one of those days. Today, I just want to ask them what the hell their problem is and tell them that life doesn't revolve around just them and what makes them happy. People have lives, get used to it and stop using your own jealousy and selfishness as a silent excuse to act the way you do. Sometimes in life, you put your own issues aside and for once just be happy for someone else and the happy things going on in their life. Stop holding grudges over whatever ridiculous things you're still upset over. Stop complaining about things that you have control over also. EVERYTHING WORKS BOTH WAYS! Stop blaming everything on everyone else because YOU are a part of this "issue" as well and the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll feel. And also, stop blaming everything on just me.

It doesn't get much better than this....

Thank you, Lord, for Ryan. He is the most amazing husband a girl could ever hope for. He loves me and shows me in the most wonderful ways each and every day. My life wouldn't be complete without him and each and every day I am so thankful for this life you've given us. I thought love like this only existed in fairy tales but you surprised me and blessed me with my very own. You've given us the gift of life and together we will raise this child with the most love and happiness a person could hope for. So, I thank you today, and every day, for these blessings I couldn't live without.

VACA!

Vacation time! Mini vacation time, that is. But nonetheless, we are so looking forward to our getaway weekend coming up! We have been non stop on the go since we moved to Arizona, it seems. Almost immediately after moving here, we both picked up full time jobs... Ryan's being a job and a half with the crazy amount of hours he works... along with putting in extra hours working on the house, starting our garden, buying a new car, finding out about Baby, and everything else, it just feels as if we haven't had much time to just relax and enjoy ourselves and each other. Well, this weekend that's exactly what we're going to do. We're getting away to a peaceful resort with beautiful pools and private cabanas and fancy restaurants in a gorgeous setting and we're going to do nothing except relax... Okay, and do a little shopping for The Hub's at Cabela's :) All I've wanted to do for the longest time is just relax by the pool, get some sun, enjoy the cool water, and spend some quality, task-free time with Ryan. IS IT FRIDAY YET!? I just absolutely can not wait for this weekend to get here! I need to make a list of supplies to buy before we head out : Sun screen, new towels, big floppy hat, maybe a new pool bag... Maybe I will go get those today... or maybe I should wait so I'm not staring at them in anticipation while the next 4 days creep by. At least mid week I have something to look forward to. My next doctors appointment to hear the babies heartbeat! Yay! That is always so exciting! I haven't been able to hear it yet, I've just watched the rhythm of it on the screen so this is an extra special appointment and I can't wait! Ahh, well Ryan is about to call on his lunch break so I'll wrap this up but be on the lookout for our vaca pictures on FB next week! Adios!

1 + 1 = 3

One plus one equals three. True or False? Most people would argue that one plus one actually equals two therefore my statement rings false. On the other-hand though, if you're talking about my current situation, my statement actually rings true. Confused? Let me put it this way. One person + another person often = a little person. And if you're still confused... my gosh! I'M PREGNANT! No simpler way of putting it than that :) I know, I can't believe it either. Pretty dang exciting, eh? We found out a little over a month ago now and the thought of having a child is definitely sinking in. The feelings of having a child are definitely sinking in as well. I'm talking about the wonderful, so called, "morning sickness" that actually occurs all day long, every day of my life. And the pure sense of exhaustion I get, also, every day of my life. Some days it's frustrating beyond belief to feel this worthless all the time. I'm literally too tired to cook dinner when I get home from work and my days off are spent trying to catch up on rest so it's safe to say that come Sunday, we have a ton of laundry to catch up on. And as frustrating as the sickness gets, the days I get to see our baby on the ultrasound or watch the rhythm of it's heartbeat make it more than worth it. There is nothing like seeing your own child developing and moving in your own body. Because I'm still very early on, I don't feel the baby inside of me (the side effects, yes!) so being able to see it on the ultrasound reassures me that all of this crappiness is so so so worth it!! My first ultrasound was at 5.5 weeks and the baby was a teeny tiny dot that decided to show up at the very last second. My second ultrasound was at 8.5 weeks and again, I was expecting to see a little dot show up, maybe just a little bigger than the last time, but wow! Our baby had grown so much in 3 weeks and it was such an exciting feeling! You could even see the umbilical cord which completely amazed me. My next US will be between 16-20 weeks when we find out the sex of the baby. I have a strange feeling that it's a little girl. I've felt that way since day one so I will be surprised if we're having a little boy. Ryan is hoping our first is a little boy, of course. He said he wants a little boy to call "Buddy" and take fishing, hunting, and camping. So cute! I will be happy with whatever God blesses us with, boy or girl, as long as he/she is healthy :) That's all I can ask for! It is still crazy for me to think that come January, Ryan and I will be welcoming our first child into our lives. We are so ready for it though. I am so thankful to have married the man I did. Not only is he the most helpful, supportive, loving man I could ever ask for, I know in my heart that he is going to be an amazing Dad and that means the world to me. I know that together we can accomplish anything and that we will both strive to give our child the most wonderful life imaginable I'm also thankful to have such a welcoming and supportive family who is also so excited for our newest addition to arrive. When we told my family, tears were a flowin' and smiles and laughter filled the air. We are so lucky to have them. Even more though, we are so lucky to have been given such an amazing gift of life; our first Baby.

Almost That Time...

I can not believe it's already June! I've been thinking a lot about this time last year and all that has happened since then. This time last year, my NC ladies and I were preparing for our Marines to come home from their deployment to Afghanistan. Although we still had a little over a month left, it was such an exciting time! I can remember perfectly the talks about what homecoming would be like, the planning on what to wear, the sign making, and just the all around joy we all felt that our men were finally coming home. As our one year anniversary of having our Marines home approaches, I'm filled with so many different emotions. The first; shock. I can't believe a year has already passed. In some ways, it feels like they just got home last week. The second; pure gratefulness that my husband was able to come home to me. Not everyone is lucky enough to say that and it breaks my heart. Third; pride that our men have the strength and courage to do the job that they do, selflessly. And although this one year anniversary is a mile marker in Ryan's journey and in our life, my heart weighs heavy this year. Approaching the one year anniversary of our men coming home, Ryan's Battalion will be preparing to leave on another tour to Afghanistan. Just one year after being home, they're sent away again. I can't describe the mixed emotions that both Ryan and I are feeling. At first I think of how thankful I am that he doesn't have to go back and immediately afterwards I think of one of my best friends who for the second time, will be delivering their new baby girl shortly after saying goodbye to her husband for the second time. I think of another friend who will be experiencing her first deployment in a completely new city clear across the country from her family. I think of the friends who just welcomed the newest addition to their family and are already forced to say goodbye to Daddy. I think of the friends that I cried with, prayed with, shared my deepest feelings with who will also be saying goodbye to their husbands again. I think about how lonely we felt, how sad and worried we felt. I remember the only thing getting me through the 6 weeks I hadn't heard from Ryan was the comfort of my friends. I think about the men who will miss their child's birth or will miss the first laugh or steps that their child takes. I think of the men who fear not making it home to their new wife. It's hard to feel thankful without feeling guilty that my husband is staying home when some of the people that I care most about are going to be experiencing one of the most difficult times in their lives without me. I mean, they know I'm a phone call away but there is something about experiencing it together that makes it different. This isn't going to make much sense... I don't wish to go through another deployment but I do wish to go through this difficult time with my friends. I want to be able to be there for them and help them like we were able to help each other last deployment. This time has also been difficult on Ryan. Although getting out of the Marines was a decision that he made, knowing that his Marines are going back without him has been hard for him to accept. He says "it's weird" knowing that he's not able to be there to help his guys out. As much as his deployments sucked, he, in a way, enjoyed them. Of course he missed being away from family and away from the comforts of his own home, but infantry was his job and he loved it. He's a natural born leader and was good at what he did. He liked being able to do his job and there is something about "being with the guys" in Afghanistan that you just don't feel anywhere else. He always says, "if they needed me, I'd go back in a heartbeat." Some people ask me how I'd feel if he went back in. Honestly, if he went back in to help his Marines out, I would be so proud. Of course I would feel scared and sad at times, but how can you not be proud of a man who cares so deeply for something like that? I would support his decision 110% if it was what he knew he wanted and needed to do. I don't really know where I'm going with this other than that my heart just breaks for these people that we love and care so much about. I know I wont personally be experiencing this deployment with these ladies, but in my heart, I am. I know what it feels like. I know how hard it is and if it means anything, I'm here and always will be. Each and every day I pray for these ladies and their Marines and will continue to pray until each of them is reunited with their loved ones. God Bless the Marines, Sailors, and families of 1st Battalion 6th Marines.