I am pretty, still.

I will admit that pregnancy has made me a little self conscious. Okay, some days very self conscious. I know that some would consider me more fortunate than some other pregnant ladies because I have yet to have single bad break out *knock on wood* and I haven't gained much weight at all, I'm all boobs and tummy. And yes, I will say that I am thankful for that but I still have my days where "ugly" is the only thing I can see when I look in the mirror. I am slowly but surely getting over the awkward stage I like to refer to as the "Is she pregnant or did she just eat too much?" stage. My baby bump is showing up more and more as the days pass and I know it'll just continue to grow which is exciting. Some days I wonder if I'll ever have my flat, toned tummy again. I will embarrassingly admit that the other day I had a serious breakdown thinking I saw a stretch mark on my stomach. I just kept thinking that I was going to be so gross and Ryan wouldn't love me if I had stretch marks. I know, it sounds crazy and it IS a crazy thought, but that is what pregnancy does to you! Later I realized that the red line I saw was actually just a scratch that was starting to appear and I felt better. I was always told that if my mom didn't get stretch marks during her pregnancy, that the chances of me getting them would be slim to none so when I thought I saw one, it was another step in the "Oh my gosh, my body is changing so much" direction and it freaked me out. Ryan laughed and hugged me and reassured me that I am beautiful and will always be beautiful, stretch marks or not. Of course he will and I know that.

I know pregnancy is a roller coaster ride filled with so many different emotions and feelings. I know very well that you can be so confident one second and very uncertain the next. I would say it's one of those "joys of pregnancy" that they didn't mention in any of the books I've read. Maybe there is a book out there about being proud and confident during your pregnancy. Maybe it explains that it's normal and okay to also lose that confidence from time to time, and maybe some tips on dealing with it. Who knows? Maybe I will write it :)

The point of this post though wasn't to talk about how ugly I am or my imperfections. It's to remind myself (and all of you other pregnant ladies out there) that I am pretty. I have always been pretty and I will always be pretty. I am growing a precious little girl inside of me. What could be more beautiful than that? She is healthy and she is active. And she is so unbelievably loved. I would gladly take all the stretch marks and pimples in the world to have this little girl and give her everything she needs. So, here I am saying that if I get a stretch mark it is nothing to be ashamed of. Here I am saying that if it takes me longer to get my pre-baby body back, that is okay. Those are my beauty marks of the most beautiful gift I have ever been given. The gift of life. The gift of our first Baby Girl.

Emotional

I would say for the most part I do good but some days, my emotions come out of the middle of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks... like just now. My brother was just tagged in some pictures on FB from way back in the day, like when he was in HS so over 10 years ago. I don't know why but it made me so unbelievably sad. Party because I miss him so much and partly because I know we're all grown up now and I just wish we could be little again. My brother and I have always been super close so being away from him has always been tough on me. He joined the Marines when I was in 7th or 8th grade and he's been all over the country and around the world several times since then. Right now he is currently in Afghanistan on his 5th deployment and I'm just ready for him to come home and get out of the Marines or get into a non-deployable job. Most of you know that we lived together in North Carolina for over 2 years and that was such an amazing fun time. It was awesome being able to be adults and live together and have such a close relationship with your sibling! You don't often get to do that when you're "grown-up" but we did for awhile and it was great. Now, Ryan and I are in AZ and Charly is in Afghanistan and will go back to NC once he comes home and I just hope that someday we can all live close by again. I am so thankful that Ryan and I have been able to make such a strong connection and close relationship with my family. I knew they would all love him and accept him but he just fits in so perfectly and it well, it's just so perfect. Charly and Ryan are best of buddies and I love that they have eachother! They consider eachother brothers and to me, that is so special. Anyways. I just really miss my brother. We all do and we can't wait for him to come him. I hope he knows how proud of him everyone is. We love you Char!

Charly in Afghanistan

My first hug with Charly after he came home from his 4th deployment

Me and Charly when we were little :) What a good big bro!!

Ryan on the left, Charly on the right. Studs!

Lots On My Mind Today

I have a lot on my mind today so I figured before I start my day, I'd take some time to get everything out so my shoulders don't hurt from this heavy load I've been carrying.

First things first, some exciting news! I think I have finalllly felt our baby move! I am always confused if what I am feeling is gas in my stomach or in fact our precious little one moving around but yesterday, I kind of just "knew." I was laying in bed and felt a little tap about an inch below my belly button and not even a second later felt another tap right next to the first spot. All I could imagine were our little one's feet dancing around in my belly and it was an amazing feeling. I still tried convincing myself it was gas but after talking to some of my girlfriends they confirmed they think the movements are Baby Haley! It makes me so happy. I love Our Baby so much. On another baby note. I finally broke down and bought a fetal heart monitor.I find myself worrying too much and I know being able to hear our Baby's heartbeat whenever I want will really help. I drive myself crazy between doctors appointments! It was shipped today so I hope that it gets here really soon! I can't wait for Ryan to hear it!

Ok, so now for the vent-sesh. This morning on FB someone posted a status that got me thinking. Well, I've been feeling this way for quite some time but this made me feel a little better. It said something along these lines :

"I only want people in my life who want to be there, not the ones who feel they have to be."

I've noticed that some people in my life would probably be just fine without me. They already live as if I barely exist anyways. Actually, some of them would probably be happier if I was no longer in the picture at all. Pretty sad if you ask me but I have to remind myself that they are the unhappy ones, not me. My feelings may get hurt from time to time, but I am nowhere near being unhappy with my life nor do I want to waste my life being angry with people for reasons that I'm too afraid or care too little to even address with that person. If you don't care to talk about things, why care enough to stay angry? Anyways, back to the first thing I mentioned. The people in my life who would be fine without me or already live as if I don't exist. Why do I even need people like this in my life? Why should I need you, if you don't need me too? There are certain people in my life who I thought would care more about the fact that Ryan and I are having our first child that really have made no effort to know anything about this pregnancy. Not a single call or text asking how I'm dealing with the pregnancy or how our Baby is doing. Not a single comment or message on FB asking about the Baby. No excitement towards this wonderful milestone in our life. So absorbed in their own hatred that they can't even be happy for us for one single minute. Or even pretend to be happy for us. I wonder this; If they don't care to know anything about the Baby now, will they even care when this little one arrives? I don't know. This is just one of those things that has been circling around my mind for so long and instead of keeping it in and making my Baby feel all of these things, I figured I'd get it out and let my Baby do a happy dance or something because we do, in fact, have some wonderful, wonderful people in our lives who are excited to be a part of this journey with us and who do are about our little family and I can't let the rest get me down :) Maybe some day they will come around. If not, their loss because Ryan and I and our Baby have lots of happiness to share with the people we care about and love! 

Mommy Issues

So, I've never heard of "mommy issues" before but I imagine it's the same thing as people having "daddy issues." Well, to be honest, I really don't know what either of them technically mean but I will explain to you my meaning of "mommy issues." Today, I realized that I have some mommy issues. I don't mean with myself becoming a mom, but with my mother. Well, maybe I've always somewhat felt hurt/sad but today, unlike ever before, it really actually affected me. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I soon will be a mother myself or what, but like I said, for the first time, it actually made me sad. Growing up, I never had a solid role model for a mom or even a steady mother figure in my life (other than my Grandmother, but she was Grandma, not Mom.) My mom was an alcoholic and after awhile completely forgot how to be a mother to me and my brother. Well, she completely forgot how to do anything besides drink. I can only remember a handful of special times with my Mom and I never realized how tightly I hold on to those few memories because of how much they mean to me until today. I can think of them in such detail that it's like I'm a little girl reliving it all over again. I don't ever want to forget those times. I miss that Mom and it hurts so bad that I only had her in my life for such a short amount of time. I loved that Mom so much. She was such a good Mom. So beautiful and talented and full of life. Then come the bad memories filled with abuse and neglect and horrible things that a child should never see or feel and it makes me so mad that alcohol turned her into that person. It makes me realize all of the important things that she missed out on and all of the things I had to learn or do on my own because she wasn't there. I remember growing up and seeing my friends with their Moms and I never felt jealous or sad or hurt or any of that. But now I am sad and I am hurt. I want a Mom. I wish the little girl Ann had a Mom to braid her hair and a teenaged Ann to have a Mom to cry to when her boyfriend broke her heart and a soon to be mom herself Ann to have a Mom to plan things with. I want someone that I can call and talk to or go shopping with and not feel sad anymore. I know that she never stopped loving me or my brother. I know that no matter what, through everything in her life, we were still her pride and joy. We were everything to her but she made us feel like nothing. Now here we are, almost 20 years later and she is sober but she isn't the same person. She will never be the same person as she was those few good times I remember. I know it's not right but there is still resentment in my heart. Not because I don't love her or I'm mad at her because I do love her and I do forgive her. But because her actions made both of us miss out on so much of each others lives and I think that will always hurt me, even when I'm 80 years old. She doesn't know why I am the woman that I am today because she wasn't there. She doesn't know the things I like or the things I don't like because she was never there to learn. She doesn't know any of my secrets because I could never trust her enough to share them with her. And I never got to experience or learn any of that about my Mom either. I couldn't even tell you if she likes mayonnaise or not and it may seem silly to you, but I want to know if she likes mayonnaise because I hate it. I just want to know everything because I should know everything.

Some people ask me if I'm afraid of becoming a Mom because I don't even know what it was like growing up with a Mom of my own. Absolutely not. Because I know what is important. I know all of the things I wish my Mom could have been there for or been a part of. I know all of the things I missed out on because she was never there. All of the things that I never had are things I'm excited to do for my own children. I want to be the Mom that I never had, and I will be. And thankfully, I have an amazing Dad who worked so hard to give me and my brother everything we could have ever wanted or needed. I had a Dad who loved me and took care or me and provided for me. So even though I missed out on having a Mom around and it makes me sad now, growing up, I never felt different or "short-handed" because of it because my Dad was Everything I could have needed growing up. If I can be half the parent that my Dad was to us, my children will still be very lucky.