I am thankful for...

I have so many things to be thankful for and that's what this post is for, to recognize some of those things.

I am thankful for my health and the ability to carry a child. Pregnancy hasn't been an easy journey for me and I often find myself complaining about the things I find hard rather than focusing on what we will be blessed with at the end of all of this. Not a day goes by that I don't Thank God for our daughter but I need to remember that there are people out there who have it a lot worse than me; woman who are unable to experience this journey that I am on and soak up every minute of it, even the bad ones. I am thankful to feel my daughter kick and punch my insides, knowing she is healthy and full of life already. I am thankful that she has already brought so much love and happiness into our lives. I am thankful that here in a few months, we will be able to hold her and kiss her for the very first time.

I am thankful for my husband. So unbelievably thankful for my husband. I can't express in words what an amazing man he is. The day we married we promised each other our own set of vows and he has exceeded all of them in such unbelievable ways. I was truly blessed the day God brought him into my life because I can't  imagine my life without him. He is my absolute best friend, my whole entire world, and I could never be more thankful to have such a loving, caring, and devoted man to spend my life with and to be the father of my children. When he's tired and has hit rock bottom from working 60+ hours a week, he still finds the energy to spend time with me and make me feel important and loved. He is such a strong, hard working, and determined man. It's because of him that I know our family will always be taken care of. Our children will never go without and we will never have to worry about providing them with the things they need or want. If life gets tough, my husband will get tougher. He is such a caring and selfless man. Always willing to help others, even those who are undeserving, ungrateful, and have said and done hurtful things to him. He doesn't expect "thank you's" when he deserves them. He doesn't expect praise when worthy. He's just an all around good hearted man who treats people the way he would like to be treated. He loves with all of his heart and cares with all of his soul and I couldn't be more grateful to be spending my life with such a remarkable man.

I am thankful for my family and their never ending love and support for Ryan and I. They have accepted Ryan and love him as if he's been a part of the family forever. I'm thankful for the relationship that they have built because it's a beautiful one. Being able to see such a strong bond between my dad, my brother, and my husband is such a special feeling.  I'm thankful to have such a caring and thoughtful mom who is able to tell Ryan that she loves him like her own son and is thankful for everything he has done to make her little girl so happy. I'm thankful that Ryan can understand the difficulties she has been through and love her back because I know Charly, Ryan, and I mean the absolute world to her. I'm thankful that my brother has been kept safe in Afghanistan. I'm thankful for the communication we are able to have and that he will be coming home in a few months. I'm thankful for my Grandmother who is blessing us with her presence every day. It's horrible watching her suffer from Alzheimer's but she is healthy and has such a personality some days. She may not be able to remember things we talk about or things we've done, but we are still able to make memories with her and that is all that matters. I'm thankful for my extended family that have chosen to be a part of our life because a supportive and loving family is so important.

I am thankful for my few, but amazing friends. Some days I wonder how I got so lucky to have such great ladies in my life. I don't know what I would do without two particular friends, Miss Jessica and Miss Caitlin. These ladies have helped me out in so many different ways. Always there to support me, listen to me, and offer advice. I know I can go to either one of them and not be judged. I can be myself and they accept me just like that. They have never turned their back on me and would be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed them. I'm thankful to know what true friendship is because of them. I am thankful for my friends from my past that have made it to my future. I am thankful for the friendships I have lost that weren't obviously friendships at all. I am thankful for the friends that I have never even actually met in person who are more of friends than people I thought were my friends, actually they are more of family than some of my own family.

There are so many other things that I am thankful for, but these top my list for now. I am also thankful that today, Ryan and I get to see our daughter's beautiful face on ultrasound. And I am thankful that soon I can eat a pumpkin pie. And by pumpkin pie, I mean the whole thing, not just one slice.

Happy November Everyone!

It's been awhile.

Wow, it's been awhile since I've been on here. I've tried writing a few times and I get about half way through a post and end up deleting it. I'm not sure why I do that. Maybe I lose interest in what I'm writing about; who knows. Maybe the lack of blog posts is due to the fact that I've begun writing letters to our daughter so I am able to say what I want to there. I wanted a more personal keepsake of this pregnancy for her when she is older. My main hope in writing the letters is that she will know she was loved from the very first second we knew she was coming. I also know there are so many things I'm going to forget over the years, especially by the time she is old enough to start reading and understanding the letters, so it's also a way to document things that are significant right now. I like telling her about her Dad and how he is an amazing husband. I think it's important for her to know that she is the result of a beautiful marriage of two people who are so completely in love. I want her to know who Ryan and I were before we were "Mom & Dad." I really just hope that some day she will enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them to her. Speaking of our little girl, she is doing great. I am now 26 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy. Time seems to fly by some days (the good days) and drag on other (bad) days. I know that January will come pretty quickly though, especially with the Holidays coming up. In two days we will be exactly three months from her due date of January 14th. Three months! I can't hardly believe it. I am so anxious to meet her. Thinking about holding her for the first time makes me cry already. I can't wait to hold her little hands and kiss her sweet little face. I know when I see Ryan hold her for the first time my heart will fill with more love than I've probably ever felt. He is going to be such a wonderful Dad. Well, on to something else before I cry my eyes out all day.

My brothers' R&R from Afghanistan was really nice. He spent two weeks here with us and it was so nice having him home. It's funny how things all fall perfectly into place, like he had never even left. He's back in Afghanistan again though until February. Send thoughts and prayers out that way. He and all of our troops can really use them. Ryan's mom also came to visit us this past week and we had a really good time. We took her all over the place and showed her some of our favorite spots in Arizona. The weather could have been a little nicer, but it was just nice having her here! 

Oh, and before I get going... Ryan and I chose a name for our little girl :) We are not revealing it until the baby shower though so sometime after that I will come back and "introduce" her to you! We think it's a beautiful and classy name and I think it suits her perfectly!

Do Better

I don't pray every day. I don't know why I don't when it makes me feel so good. I find myself praying usually when I'm afraid or sad or need something and this makes me feel guilty. I do find myself thinking of The Lord often though and I most certainly am always a believer in Him.

Awhile ago I found myself praying when I was angry. This is something I have never, ever done before. I prayed for strength. Strength to understand. Strength to be the better person. Strength for the ability to forgive. Strength to have sympathy. I didn't expect to open my eyes and suddenly feel this wave of relief. I know sometimes our prayers are answered in strange ways. But this time, I wish it would have happened immediately. I don't like being angry at people but I am. Angry at their stupidity. Angry at their pure selfishness. I don't think I will ever understand some people and the decisions they make no matter how many times I pray for it. I don't think I can be sympathetic for those who have dug themselves into a hole and tried nothing to get themselves out. They just keep digging, knowing they're getting deeper and deeper... Never changing their actions to better the situation. I can't understand that and I don't feel sorry for those people. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. Does that make me a mean person? I don't think so.

I know there are different circumstances in everyone's life that affect them in different ways. I know times aren't always easy but nobody ever said life would be easy either. If you expected it to be that way, that is your own fault. There are twists and turns in every persons life. Struggles that every person has to overcome. It is HOW you deal with these curve balls that determine the outcome. It's HOW you deal with these curve balls that pave paths for your future. If you just stand there and don't "dodge the ball" you better be prepared to face the consequences. You have the opportunity to take a swing or to catch the ball. You have the opportunity to even step aside, think for a minute, and plan for the next ball to come. If you're going to stand in the batting cages and let every ball that is pitched hit you in the face, that is your own fault. Take the initiative and do better for yourself. You can't expect that things will change on their own because they wont. YOU must be the change you wish to see in the world.

I'll do anything...

It's such an odd feeling being able to love someone so much that hasn't even made their way into our little world yet. Right now, her whole world is inside of me and her life depends on me. We haven't even been able to meet her yet but I love our Baby Girl more than I could have ever imagined. I'll do anything to give her everything she needs. I'll do anything to make sure she is healthy and okay.

I spent all day yesterday and last night in the hospital because of a little scare. I started having some contractions and found out I had a partial placenta abruption. It is the most scary thing that has ever happened to me but after close observation and a bunch of lab work, the Doctor told me I could go rest at home. Our little girls heart rate was strong and steady the entire time and she looked as precious as ever on the ultrasound. I was so scared that she was feeling the pain that I was but my nurse reassured me that she was okay. I wanted to hold her and protect her and it broke my heart that there wasn't anything I could do. Already, there isn't a single thing in this world that I wouldn't do for her.

I hope and pray that everything can and will go smoothly from here on out. I pray that my placenta stays attached and the contractions will completely go and stay away until she is ready and healthy enough to be with us. We're over halfway there now so I'm just asking for positive thoughts and prayers to be sent our way. I am so thankful to have the most amazing husband who is always there for me. Without him, I would have been even more of a wreck. He came handy with pillows, blankets, magazines, the computer, and even a beautiful little glass vase with two roses, one for me and one for his Baby Girl. Of course he stayed the night on the pull out bed and checked on me throughout the night. Baby and I are so lucky to have him.

I am pretty, still.

I will admit that pregnancy has made me a little self conscious. Okay, some days very self conscious. I know that some would consider me more fortunate than some other pregnant ladies because I have yet to have single bad break out *knock on wood* and I haven't gained much weight at all, I'm all boobs and tummy. And yes, I will say that I am thankful for that but I still have my days where "ugly" is the only thing I can see when I look in the mirror. I am slowly but surely getting over the awkward stage I like to refer to as the "Is she pregnant or did she just eat too much?" stage. My baby bump is showing up more and more as the days pass and I know it'll just continue to grow which is exciting. Some days I wonder if I'll ever have my flat, toned tummy again. I will embarrassingly admit that the other day I had a serious breakdown thinking I saw a stretch mark on my stomach. I just kept thinking that I was going to be so gross and Ryan wouldn't love me if I had stretch marks. I know, it sounds crazy and it IS a crazy thought, but that is what pregnancy does to you! Later I realized that the red line I saw was actually just a scratch that was starting to appear and I felt better. I was always told that if my mom didn't get stretch marks during her pregnancy, that the chances of me getting them would be slim to none so when I thought I saw one, it was another step in the "Oh my gosh, my body is changing so much" direction and it freaked me out. Ryan laughed and hugged me and reassured me that I am beautiful and will always be beautiful, stretch marks or not. Of course he will and I know that.

I know pregnancy is a roller coaster ride filled with so many different emotions and feelings. I know very well that you can be so confident one second and very uncertain the next. I would say it's one of those "joys of pregnancy" that they didn't mention in any of the books I've read. Maybe there is a book out there about being proud and confident during your pregnancy. Maybe it explains that it's normal and okay to also lose that confidence from time to time, and maybe some tips on dealing with it. Who knows? Maybe I will write it :)

The point of this post though wasn't to talk about how ugly I am or my imperfections. It's to remind myself (and all of you other pregnant ladies out there) that I am pretty. I have always been pretty and I will always be pretty. I am growing a precious little girl inside of me. What could be more beautiful than that? She is healthy and she is active. And she is so unbelievably loved. I would gladly take all the stretch marks and pimples in the world to have this little girl and give her everything she needs. So, here I am saying that if I get a stretch mark it is nothing to be ashamed of. Here I am saying that if it takes me longer to get my pre-baby body back, that is okay. Those are my beauty marks of the most beautiful gift I have ever been given. The gift of life. The gift of our first Baby Girl.

Emotional

I would say for the most part I do good but some days, my emotions come out of the middle of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks... like just now. My brother was just tagged in some pictures on FB from way back in the day, like when he was in HS so over 10 years ago. I don't know why but it made me so unbelievably sad. Party because I miss him so much and partly because I know we're all grown up now and I just wish we could be little again. My brother and I have always been super close so being away from him has always been tough on me. He joined the Marines when I was in 7th or 8th grade and he's been all over the country and around the world several times since then. Right now he is currently in Afghanistan on his 5th deployment and I'm just ready for him to come home and get out of the Marines or get into a non-deployable job. Most of you know that we lived together in North Carolina for over 2 years and that was such an amazing fun time. It was awesome being able to be adults and live together and have such a close relationship with your sibling! You don't often get to do that when you're "grown-up" but we did for awhile and it was great. Now, Ryan and I are in AZ and Charly is in Afghanistan and will go back to NC once he comes home and I just hope that someday we can all live close by again. I am so thankful that Ryan and I have been able to make such a strong connection and close relationship with my family. I knew they would all love him and accept him but he just fits in so perfectly and it well, it's just so perfect. Charly and Ryan are best of buddies and I love that they have eachother! They consider eachother brothers and to me, that is so special. Anyways. I just really miss my brother. We all do and we can't wait for him to come him. I hope he knows how proud of him everyone is. We love you Char!

Charly in Afghanistan

My first hug with Charly after he came home from his 4th deployment

Me and Charly when we were little :) What a good big bro!!

Ryan on the left, Charly on the right. Studs!

Lots On My Mind Today

I have a lot on my mind today so I figured before I start my day, I'd take some time to get everything out so my shoulders don't hurt from this heavy load I've been carrying.

First things first, some exciting news! I think I have finalllly felt our baby move! I am always confused if what I am feeling is gas in my stomach or in fact our precious little one moving around but yesterday, I kind of just "knew." I was laying in bed and felt a little tap about an inch below my belly button and not even a second later felt another tap right next to the first spot. All I could imagine were our little one's feet dancing around in my belly and it was an amazing feeling. I still tried convincing myself it was gas but after talking to some of my girlfriends they confirmed they think the movements are Baby Haley! It makes me so happy. I love Our Baby so much. On another baby note. I finally broke down and bought a fetal heart monitor.I find myself worrying too much and I know being able to hear our Baby's heartbeat whenever I want will really help. I drive myself crazy between doctors appointments! It was shipped today so I hope that it gets here really soon! I can't wait for Ryan to hear it!

Ok, so now for the vent-sesh. This morning on FB someone posted a status that got me thinking. Well, I've been feeling this way for quite some time but this made me feel a little better. It said something along these lines :

"I only want people in my life who want to be there, not the ones who feel they have to be."

I've noticed that some people in my life would probably be just fine without me. They already live as if I barely exist anyways. Actually, some of them would probably be happier if I was no longer in the picture at all. Pretty sad if you ask me but I have to remind myself that they are the unhappy ones, not me. My feelings may get hurt from time to time, but I am nowhere near being unhappy with my life nor do I want to waste my life being angry with people for reasons that I'm too afraid or care too little to even address with that person. If you don't care to talk about things, why care enough to stay angry? Anyways, back to the first thing I mentioned. The people in my life who would be fine without me or already live as if I don't exist. Why do I even need people like this in my life? Why should I need you, if you don't need me too? There are certain people in my life who I thought would care more about the fact that Ryan and I are having our first child that really have made no effort to know anything about this pregnancy. Not a single call or text asking how I'm dealing with the pregnancy or how our Baby is doing. Not a single comment or message on FB asking about the Baby. No excitement towards this wonderful milestone in our life. So absorbed in their own hatred that they can't even be happy for us for one single minute. Or even pretend to be happy for us. I wonder this; If they don't care to know anything about the Baby now, will they even care when this little one arrives? I don't know. This is just one of those things that has been circling around my mind for so long and instead of keeping it in and making my Baby feel all of these things, I figured I'd get it out and let my Baby do a happy dance or something because we do, in fact, have some wonderful, wonderful people in our lives who are excited to be a part of this journey with us and who do are about our little family and I can't let the rest get me down :) Maybe some day they will come around. If not, their loss because Ryan and I and our Baby have lots of happiness to share with the people we care about and love!